People That I Would (sometimes) Like To Nuke

People That I Would (sometimes) Like To Nuke

February 1, 2015

by Jane Tawel

People That I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

  1. All the Terrorists
  2. All the Generals of All the Militaries in All the World
  3. The Secretary of Defense of Every First World Country
  4. Guerilla Warlords
  5. My Boss
  6. My Mother
  7. My Husband
  8. Myself
  9. Drivers who:
    1. Cut me off on the freeway
    2. Take illegal U-turns on side streets
    3. Cut me off when I’m running
    4. Almost hit me when I’m running
    5. Are driving on the streets when I’m running
    6. Tailgate me
    7. Don’t drive fast enough
    8. Cut me off for a parking space
    9. Almost hit my car in a parking lot
    10. Don’t fully stop at a red light
    11. Don’t go immediately at a green light
  10. Pedestrians
  11. My Dog
  12. The Neighbor’s Cat
  13. Rats in the Fruit Trees
  14. Rats in the Congress
  15. Bill Collectors
  16. People who don’t pay their bills
  17. Taggers
  18. People who are really good at art

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

  1. Litterers
  2. People who cut in line
  3. People who get upset when I hold a place in line for someone
  4. Neighbors who have loud parties
  5. Neighbors who call the cops because our party is too loud
  6. People who cut down trees
  7. People with gardeners
  8. People with garden blowers
  9. People who hose their driveways
  10. People who let their sprinklers water their sidewalks
  11. People who waste water
  12. People who make me take short showers
  13. People who turn off the lights I turned on in the other room
  14. People with maids
  15. People who talk too much
  16. People who won’t do their part in a conversation
  17. Talking heads on television
  18. People who are always quiet
  19. Movie stars who make commercials
  20. Movie stars who think they are too good to make commercials
  21. Whoever started Ebola
  22. People who step on the back heels of my shoes
  23. People who tell me I look tired
  24. People who are late
  25. People who get mad if you are late
  26. Couples who literally almost have sex in public
  27. Couples who literally almost kill each other in public
  28. Ugly people at the mall
  29. People who carry yoga mats on public streets
  30. People who carry little dogs into stores in America for God’s sake
  31. People who talk on their cell phones anywhere in public (hello, I mean c’mon, Text it!)

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

  1. People who don’t wear the right shoes
  2. Slave traders
  3. The woman who invented chocolate
  4. People who are always on Facebook
  5. People who think they are too good to go on Facebook
  6. People who drive Hummers
  7. People who ride bicycles
  8. The man who invented hair dye
  9. The man who first made his wife shave her legs
  10. Children dining in restaurants
  11. The parents of children dining in restaurants
  12. People who are rude to my children in restaurants
  13. Hoarders
  14. People in the media who take advantage of people with the mental illness of hoarding
  15. People who say I have too many books
  16. People who leave a large carbon footprint
  17. Ed Begley, Jr.
  18. Anyone who is famous but keeps “Jr.” after his name

I Would (sometimes) Like to Nuke:

  1. Mean people
  2. People who think they always have to be nice
  3. People who call me Ma’am
  4. People who call me Miss
  5. My Husband (did I mention that already?)
  6. Myself (oh, yeah, just shoot me already)
  7. The makers of cheese
  8. Two Buck Chuck
  9. Liars
  10. Anyone eating in public
  11. People who jay walk
  12. People who turn left over two double yellow lines
  13. People who cross at the walk when there is no little white man
  14. People who scare me on purpose
  15. People who can’t take a joke
  16. People who put up billboard pictures of food
  17. Immoral people
  18. Self-righteous people
  19. Young people
  20. People who make money blogging
  21. Ants
  22. And I would really, really like to shoot the guy who invented the smiley face.
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