Randomness and Such
May 3, 2015
By Jane Tawel
I find myself on any given day with a mind attacked by randomness and such. For instance:
- Have you ever noticed how cats are Eastern in mentality and dogs are Western in attitude? If you meet a dog they either aggressively yell at you to get out of their dang lane or they greet you like their long lost cousin who just won the lottery. If you meet a cat, they silently stare at you, assess you, then seriously nod approval or else turn their mystic backs on you and walk away. It was no mistake cats were once considered gods and dogs were once considered food .
- Have you ever thought about how many things you would have to learn to do differently if you only had one hand?
- Have you noticed that if someone else makes the salad, it tastes better?
- But it tastes better if you make your own cup of coffee. I mean I am surprised that Starbucks has not just let people come behind the counter and do it themselves. If you want an Americano, no foam, two extra shots, vanilla essence on the side and over easy, come on back and make it your dang self. It will taste better.
- Have you noticed how the Starbucks mermaid’s breasts are bigger than her hips? I mean how could she possibly swim?
- Have you noticed there are too many shopping carts in America and not enough farmers’ markets.
- Have you noticed that Americans cannot stop shopping? It is a National Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I seriously believe some one started putting something in the American water back in the Fifties. It is not our fault; we cannot help it because even the psychologists and priests drank the water.
- Have you ever noticed how every once in a while it really unnerves you to step on a crack?
- Have you ever noticed how other people’s chewing drives you crazy? Either it is the way they put the food in their mouths, or the sounds they make, or the way they look at their food suspiciously or lustfully before putting it in their mouths, or the way they keep their mouths slightly open so you can see all the food rolling around in there, or it’s the way they close their mouths tightly in case some food might try to run away and join the circus or the way they scrape their teeth on the fork, or it’s just the mere thought of their masticating food in the first place that makes you want to kill them.
- Have you noticed how you don’t notice how the way you eat drives other people crazy? I can see why people start eating alone in their little caves where no one sees their disgusting habits and poor manners, and they don’t have to hear the hideous sounds other people make when they eat.
- Have you ever thought about faithfully and purposefully exercising your laugh muscles as much as you exercise your other muscles? At 6:00 pm every day for twenty minutes I’m going to start laughing at something. Hard. I think I’ll feel better and live longer. If my kids don’t put me away.
- Have you ever thought about what it would really be like to be Bill Gates?
- Have you noticed how water always tastes better with something in it? Like ice. Or lemon. Or scotch.
- Have you noticed how the customer is no longer always right?
- Have you noticed how you can anticipate bad things but joy is always a surprise?
- Have you ever thought that there really are enough hours in a day there just isn’t enough you in a day?
- Have you noticed that pandas are always just so cute?
- Have you ever thought about the fact that bruises are so random? You can almost never remember how you got that bruise.
- But you can almost always remember when your ego got that bruise.
- Have you noticed that men love you if you take them out for breakfast?
Random thoughts include things like:
- Where do people get all their money? They cannot all work for Microsoft or be congressmen. They must sell drugs.
- People can choke to death on just about anything.
- Noses get bigger and mouths get smaller.
- Smells bring back memories more than sounds do.
- Why do we need hair in our nostrils?
- Why do women paint their toenails and men don’t?
- Watermelon has never really tasted the same since they took the seeds out.
- Is Bill Gates really human? Or is he a robot that only looks human?
- Is it really necessary to have so many fonts?
- Who really did invent spaghetti?
- Urban Myths aren’t always.
- Belinda is a cool name for girls
- Joe is a cool name for guys.
- Sign language is beautiful to watch even if you don’t understand it.
- Art is beautiful to look at even if you don’t understand it.
- If you don’t understand poetry, it isn’t much fun.
- Lima beans should never have been considered eatable.
- You always like people who still wear a watch.
- Earphones should have an expiration date stamped on them.
- Do I always have something stuck in my teeth?
- Where has all the clover gone?
- If she sells seashells by the seashore is she an eco-terrorist?
- Were the Grimm brothers breast -fed or bottle-fed?
- Hairless dogs are just wrong.
- I would really like to learn the NATO phonetic alphabet but I’m kind of ok with messing with my insurance company or credit card company and being helpful by saying M as in Mom and I as in Is and B as in Broke. I am silently exercising my laugh muscles.
- I miss paper.
- Worms can’t get out of the way.